Me, Myself and I
by Komikitty
Summary: He thinks he can’t match up to me...maybe not physically or mentally, but emotionally? His loyalty and capacity for the softer emotions baffles me. I have loved two people enough to die for them. Daxter and Damas.


AN: An attempt to get over my writers block on Parallels...

Disclaimer: NAUGHTY DOG OWNS IT ALLLLLL!! Drat.

Warnings: Onesided Jak/Dax. No smex. Not even a little snuggling. There IS however mention of masturbation.

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"Where would you be without me, Eh Dax?" It was supposed to be a joke...

"Well I probably wouldn't be two feet tall, fuzzy and running around in a sewer with no pants...God I miss pants."

Pain. An old friend by now, she knows where everything in the bathroom is and what kind of milk I keep in my cooling unit.

I wonder if he noticed I stopped talking after that.

I wonder if he cared.

We're...I want to say retired, but that's not right. And now that we're not in constant danger I see the way he looks at me sometimes and I get the feeling...that he hates me.

Not because of the Ottsel thing...well...not entirely. But mostly because...God how do I put this?

Daxter, needs attention, he lives off it, through attention he knows he has a reason to exist. But everyone we meet treats him like he doesn't matter at all. But he does, he matters like no other. It's one of the only things Dark Jak and I can agree on. If he were back to normal I would have been courting him ages ago. DJ doesn't care if he's humanoid or not...but then DJ doesn't care if he's WILLING or not...and I'm getting off topic...

Daxter. He needs love to survive, visible love, affection. Hugs and kisses...caresses. Things I can't give anymore. I can pet him, yeah, to help relax him, but every time I want to do more I see the blood on my hands staining his fur. He thinks he can't match up to me...maybe not physically or mentally, but emotionally? His loyalty and capacity for the softer emotions baffles me. I have loved two people enough to die for them.

Daxter, and Damas.

Daxter? Hell, he's almost died for everyone. Every time I go out there he risks his life. He's risked it for Sig, Krew, Torn, Ashelin, Tess, Kliever, Damas and every single citizen of Haven and Spargus. And, well I haven't told him yet, but I love him for it.

So much it hurts.

I think I've figured out a way to pump enough light Eco into him to change him back. I'm not sure it'll work so I need to tire him out while I prepare.

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Today's the day. I hand Pecker the list and send him and Daxter on a wild whumpbee hunt that should take them all day, and I lock the door behind them. Dark knows what I'm planning, surprisingly he's all for it. He says it's to keep me to himself, but I know part of it is he wants to see Dax naked in his true form. He comes out surprisingly easy; Stretching our muscles before running a hand down our chest. He's never been released in the throne room before so he takes us around as he looks at it. He contemplates leaping out the window to find something to kill for a moment, but that would defeat our purpose, and he knows it, so he walks us away from the window to sprawl on the cool earth floor.

"You really think it'll work." It's not a question. He knows I do. He pops our neck, grunting softly. It's odd, sitting here with him. Letting the Dark Eco drain slowly instead of releasing it all in one burst feels different, better somehow. Suddenly he's up and taking us to the bed. I'm not worried, we share a body. He's been with me in that shower more than once helping me to keep from screaming Daxter's name as I stroke myself. Even if he did choose to touch us, he is me, it'd be like having your reflection touch you, it's still you, just different. But he doesn't touch. He just stretches and rolls around in the clean linen luxuriating in the feeling of having nothing pressing to do and no place important to be.

It's enjoyable, just to be comfortable. I'd actually forgotten that.

For hours we stay like that, just laying there in silence, thinking separate thoughts; feeling the pulsing of the Light Eco growing stronger.

When it's time, he does not wish me luck, he knows I need none, he doesn't tell me to do my best. He knows I will. He simply smiles, and it's with that smile I return to control. It feels a little like...a hug.

I wobble as I get to my feet, the absence of Dark Eco, not exactly painful, but not pleasant. Unlocking the door takes a bit more concentrated effort than it should have, and not two minutes later Pecker and Daxter are dragging themselves back in, dirty, exhausted, but triumphant, everything I asked for, they'd gotten.

&&&

He's so fragile when he's asleep. All that larger than life talk and the wild gesticulations and you forget that he's currently only two feet tall, has bones I could snap on accident and almost no fighting abilities whatsoever. I have to work quickly. I'm already weak enough from the Dark Eco loss if I want to make through this with any chance of success I need to act now. Sliding out of bed I kneel on the floor removing the hollow stone that holds a large jar of Light Eco. The little bit of Darkness still in me recoils and my fingertips tingle. Moving fast to keep traitorous second thoughts from surfacing I quickly un-stop the jar and pull Light Jak to the fore.

He doesn't speak. Not even to me. I think in him is all that remains of the boy I was in Sandover, and that's really why I need him right now. Slowly he dips our hand into the jar and pulls it out, the Eco trailing obediently. He knows, just like Dark Jak knows...We are all flawed reflections of each other. Working swiftly but efficiently he uses our hands to mold the eco around Daxter, a cocoon in the form of the man Daxter should have been, would have been if I hadn't-

No. Negative thought. We mustn't loose focus now. Now is the hard part. Slowly carefully we draw upon the Eco in my system, light and what's left of the dark, and pour it into Daxter. I know it hurts, I know even before his brow wrinkles, before the first whimper escapes his lips; I know he will come back screaming. But I also know it will work. I can feel his bones grow his muscles shift and re-align as his skeletal structure shifts from partly humanoid to truly humanoid and I can see his skin stretch and turn pink as the fur recedes. But I can also see the scars. Some I knew he would have, others I had no inkling existed.

The Dark Eco took the wounds inflicted on me and ate them, ate my pain. I have no scars from my time in Praxis's Prison. Nothing to prove I was tortured save for Darkie, as Daxter calls him, and my own memories which I admit are suspect. There was a period near the end when I was almost constantly hallucinating. Negative thought, stop. It's taking all our energy to keep the flow of eco smooth, and not the spasmodic shocks which are draining and much more painful.

Black rings my vision. We are almost finished, and when at last there is no more eco Light Jak simply fades away. Leaving me curled on the floor as Daxter spasms screaming. In Haven there would be running footsteps as someone came to see just what the hell is going on. But screams are nothing new from this room. Yes usually they are mine, caused by nightmares but Daxter's voice has deepened in the years since his transformation. I think he's actually taller than me now, but as all my muscles turn my body into one giant cramp I cannot compare our height. As the pain drains away it takes with it his adrenaline and he falls into the unconsciousness I can only pray for.

I watch with detached interest as my hand writhes, each muscle cramping then unclenching spasmodically as my body struggles to deal with the extreme loss of Eco. There is pain, but as I said before she is an old friend. She simply drapes across me and proceeds to do her job. The cool from the earthen floor stiffens my muscles, making my ascent from the packed dirt that much more painful, even though I did wait for my legs to stop twitching.

The dark ring around whatever I see is wider now and I stumble, falling onto the bed, careful not to touch Daxter. I know how sensitive the Eco will have made his skin. For me, there is only the bliss of something softer than ground, and drowning in Daxter's scent. Pain throbs sulkily but settles down, and for once, I'm not afraid to wake up tomorrow.

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It's his screams that jolt me out of bed. I'm reaching for my gun as I roll, coming up on the floor empty handed, my whole body throbbing in time to my heart beat. It takes me a few seconds to realize that his screams are of joy. Not pain, anger or fear. Daxter, tall, lanky and frighteningly thin, is cavorting about the room...naked. A small surge of Dark Eco pain informs me that Dark Jak is enjoying the show. I manage a small smile.

"Welcome back, Dax." I'm not sure he even hears me. As I push myself up off the floor he's running around, grabbing a spare pair of my clothes.

"And I can wear pants again! Real pants, not hole in the ass for my tail pants!" I laugh, and the world spins.

"Hey Jak you okay?" I can't answer, I open my mouth to try and nothing will come. I recognize this feeling...Eco shock. I must be relapsing.

"Well I guess seeing me in all my gorgeous glory is a bit of a shocker eh pal?" I force a smile and nod, sitting down on the bed before my legs collapse.

"Maaan will Ashelin be pissed she missed out on this hot hunk of flesh! I can't wait to tell Tess! Now she won't feel guilty about changing back before me!" I could watch him all day. The gestures are the same, the facial expressions, even his energy level is ottsel like. But his smile...his smile is like sun, like soft green eco over a burn, like-

"JAK! Are you listening? We gotta get to Haven! I can't wait to smack the Tattooed Wonder." I lick my lips a few times and swallow.

"Sure Dax." I choke on a cough.

"Gimme a sec to get dressed." He looks at me and I can feel myself falling. His eyes are so clear...like shimmering blue eco...I shake myself.

Definitely Eco shock.

"You sure you're okay buddy? You don't look to hot." I shrug and go to find a clean shirt.

"I'll be fine. Just need a little...boost is all."

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I used to get the feeling, Daxter hated me...now I know he does.

"...What?" He has the grace to look at the floor, the ceiling, anywhere but where I am.

"I'm just sayin', I'm not ottsel sized anymore and well, I'm not too good with weapons and Tess could use an extra hand minding the bar while she's working with the Freedom league and all..."

"So, you're saying, you want to stay here." I want to rage, to scream ask him why, WHY after staying with me for so long would he leave me now. But something holds me back, cold and bright.

"Well you know it ain't exactly safe for me to be walking around all normal sized, and I wouldn't pass the Spargus test-" I want to say it doesn't matter Tess can teach him how to use a weapon, I could help train him. I want to cry and beg him not to leave me. But again, something holds me back. Something dark and angry.

"...Are you sure?" This is the only out I can give him, my pride won't let me beg, and my compassion won't let me rage.

"Yeah, you'll be fine without me right?" I can't lie to him.

"Mm." I shrug. Then I'm being called away, for a job. A job without Daxter.

Without Daxter.

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It's strange. I can feel the blood flowing out of me, I know when my right arm is completely useless. I can feel the broken bones in my leg grind together as I force myself up the stairs to the small light Eco fountain hidden in the small shrine to Damas. But Pain is nowhere to be found, her shoes are at the door, but she herself is misisng. Only numbness remains. Light Jak comes into dominance out of sheer necessity as my much abused appendage gives out, and his wings carry us to the top. He heals us, silent as ever. I had called Dark Jak many times, more than normal, he felt rather...pleased is not the word...smug? No. But it is unimportant. Not one of us says as word.

We have not spoken since we left the Naughty Ottsel...five days ago now? It's...odd, how deep the silence is; No one to break it, no Daxter to pull me from my thoughts and nightmares by cracking lame jokes. My body tingles as the light eco flows into me, replenishing Light Jak and I. Dark Jak whimpers in protest and I force myself to move out of the stream, wincing as feeling comes back in to my extremities.

Me, Myself and I.

Dark Jak is Me.

Light Jak is my Self.

Who am I?

When there is no one there to define me, to tell me what I should and should not do...

What am I?

Eco freak, yes.

Dark Warrior, yes.

Slave...never.

Killer, yes.

Idiot...sometimes.

Murderer...can anyone say I am not? He could, but would he, if he were here?

Light Jak recedes, irritated by my constant self flagellation.

Dark Jak is agitated as well, even though we killed enough marauders to populate their own corner of whatever Hell the precursors reserve for people who can kill without thought or regret.

I can feel a smile twitch at the corner of my lips at the irony.

I may join them when I die. It would be fitting at the least.

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AN: I think...that's your lot.

It was originally supposed to be a romance featuring a larger part for Dark Jak, all because of a chibi Pic of DJ done by nashidesei on DeviantART called "Your fics make Dark Jak cry".

And, well...it went where most of my attempts at romance seem to go.

Nowhere.

Review! Even if it's just to tell me you read it. You don't even have to say anything, just drop me an emote...please?


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